Integrated System Europe

On Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday this week I will be at Integrated Systems Europe.

Follow my activities on twitter by looking on the right hand side of http://cosmap.blogspot.com/ or by going to http://twitter.com/cosmap

Better still come to the Unique Automation stand and say hello. Details can be found here...

Unique Automation at ISE

I may do some blogging from there, if anything catches my eye (and if I can get an Internet connection).

Been updating some websites...

I hve been twaeking some of the websites I maintain. Made some changes to

http://www.usedaeron.co.uk

Let’s see if that improves things… I will not say what the changes are as that will not let me know if they have worked.

Also I am looking for suggestions how to improve

http://www.freejokesrus.com

The look and feel is a bit sparse. Feel free to leave comments here and I may action them.

Nice ones only please!

Computer Tech Support

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!  If you skip any, you have to read the last one!  Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!!    

=================================  

Tech support:   What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer:   A white one...

 ===============
 
Customer:   Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support:  Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer:  Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support:  That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer:  No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

 ===============

Tech support:  Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer:  Your left or my left?

 ===============

Tech support:  Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer:   Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start'  for me and...
Customer:  Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

 ===============

Customer:  Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.  I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

 ============== =

Customer:  I have problems printing in red..
Tech support:  Do you have a color printer?
Customer:  Aaaah....................thank you.

 ===============

Tech support:  What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer:   A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.

 ===============

Customer:   My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support:  Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer:  No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support:  Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:!   OK
Tech support:   Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer:  Yes
Tech support:  That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer:  Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

 ===============

Tech support:   Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer:  Is that 7 in capital letters ?

 == =============

Customer:  can't get on the Internet.
Tech support:  Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer:  Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support:  Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer:  Five stars.

 ===============

Tech support:   What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer:  Netscape.
Tech support:  That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer:  Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

 ===============

Customer:   I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

  ===============

Tech support:  How may I help you?
Customer:  I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support:  OK,  and what seems to be the problem?
Customer:  Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

 ===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support:  Are you running it under windows?
Customer:  'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.  The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his  printer is working fine.'

 ===============

And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer:  I don't have a P.
Tech support:  On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer:   What do you mean?
Tech support:  'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer:  I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

My Scuba Profile on Yorkshire Divers

My Scuba Profile on Yorkshire Divers

A History Lesson

158 years ago California became a state.  The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like it is today, except the women had
real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

Bottle of Merlot

Free Jokes R Us 

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

 

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

 

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man and then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

 

The note read:

 

'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.' 

 

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

 

It read:

 

'Just so you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches.......... Just send the bottle back.' 

Free Jokes R Us 

Groan.... :-)

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
    "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
    "Is it common?"
    "Well," said the physician, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
    "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
    "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were shivering. They proved once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron,"
    The other says, "Are you sure?"
    The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate every little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who posted ten different puns to his blog, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make someone laugh. No pun in ten did.

Seasons Greetings

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2009 , but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that it is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced